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Tuesday 27 November 2012

Best Left Unsaid ;)





I have been thinking lately how important it is to talk your heart out, So, Here i am , trapped in so called thoughts again ...
" if you are hurt say it , if you are happy dance with cheer , if you are angry show it , if you love someone just say it ,, never regret, never keep things buried down in heart"
Simple rules as they say to live a life !!!!!!!
well is it that easy?  at least to me it never seemed.
reasons were endless ,,..
first and best I was dead darn Introvert [well minus when am at home or with my jerks]
second , anxieties before i could speak like those damn ass oops i meant excellent speakers, i was trapped down with thousands of thoughts making me much more anxious 
third , to me my views my opinions were thing to keep locked safe and not to showcase them in market , for a price named Appreciation.
      never mind , my wish however i act , but people have one annoying habit and it always was disturbing to me , if you are shut means either 
1. you are too arrogant 2. you are dumbo types 3. you were a door mate types , easy to walk on

Well i was one of those rude , arrogant chick to some , and to some i was a real door mate !!

and if you ask me really i had crossed that stage of feeling oh so bad or angry on it !! cause i had worshiped the motto by now ,, "Some Things Were Really Best Left Unsaid!! " 

Thursday 5 July 2012

With Everything Have Nothing ... !!! [lonely housewife]


With Everything ,,,, Have Nothing ,......!!!!!!!


Lonely Road !! Lonely Life !!

 There is a hole in my heart that no one can fill, 
it seems like  i was born to make everyone happy , 
bring the best out of them , give give and give , 
cry the pain inside , let nothing come outside,
see the people cheer , see the children smile ,
colors and life , live and smile , 
walk out everyday , say hello to the world , 
let the world and life be in my arms clutched,
laugh loud and smile as if nothing wrong , 
and people say , "oh you're so strong" !!
i smile ,, but heart inside screams and cries ,, 


all i can do is sit and things that might have happened 
only when i come back home ,, 
only when am coming to myself ,, 
i know i know what is true,, 
the pain rise and i need to cry ,,, 
the man who loves me looks up to me , 
"hey whats wrong baby", the embrace weakens me !!
and that's when my baby comes running ,
"Mommy i missed you , where have you been"
the pain fades but heart skips in pain that is deep ,, 
i take her in my arms , "mommy is here baby girl"
lets eat and get back to your homework , 
the man beside me puts his arm on shoulder , 
says its okay dont loose now ,, 

we finish our food, and i sing to my baby ,, 
she sleeps in my lap , and i feel so clingy , 
i put her on her bed , stand in the balcony 
why is it has to be ,, why is it has to be ,, 
the man comes and kiss me lightly ,, 
dont think much ,, you need sleep , 
yes i nod ,, yes i need and you need it to ,, 
lights off ,, he makes me sleep ,, 
with his cuddles and kisses,, 
he sleeps by my side only ,, 
to make me realize am not lonely ,, 

he is sound asleep ,, and its past midnight ,, 
i lie awake , place seems so strange , 
everything was fine , but there was something aahhh 
time that my companion Mr. Pain arrives ,
tears flows ,, and throats aches , 
this is so painful , am i passing out 
i cry cry and cry ,, heart aches ,, 
the missing part in me ,, screams 
everything stops , but time keeps running ,
i fall asleep with tears in my eyes ,, 
with pain in my heart , 

"honey you are late , 
drop baby girl to her school too"
hand them their belongings ,, 
in the race with the time ,, 
kiss them good byee ,, and say come home soon ,, 
smile on my face ,, tears in my eyes ,, 
this is the life , this is the life :) 

may be world won't understand and 
somehow i don't care ,, 
lets get back to the work , 
i have family to look for , 
tear plot itself on my cheek again ,, 
and i smile ,,, to myself ,, 
with everything have nothing ,, 
this is My Life ........... !!!!!! 


This Is My Life ......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Monday 28 May 2012

Are Marriages so mandatory ? more than the life of one ??

She was not very young but not old too. she was 45, but if you look at her she looks nowhere near it !!! bright eyes, unique persona, that confidence in her eyes , she seems a warrior to me , a warrior fighting with entire world !!!!! and world was indeed against her !!!! 

it was just another day and as usual a boring day of my life , i step out of home in hopes of little different day ! i am going to meet this friend of mine, who is a true sweetheart and most caring friend of mine, but has this one habit which is so annoying to me , whatever she talks or does she has to link it up to marriage and me being pretty anti marriage its real irritating !! i mean common MARRIAGE the so called Universal Institution is not the end of life ... [anyways , let me get back to story ---- as i said am anti marriage i start anywhere with my obsession against marriage , excuse me for that] with that i was really in weird state of mind, that i'll have to get myself tucked in silly argument about marriage huh !! 

we are suppose to meet at local bus stop and then to some shop to hog like jerks , i reach early as usual , and there is this lady waiting on the bus stop , i stab my feet with impatience and anger rushing through my veins , she turns to me and smiles, i smile back . i am not generally into those short sweet connections with people, but when it comes to few people who intrigues me i cant help smiling , her eyes had something that made me stare at her ,[ now that was weird, i was just 20 year old female and was caught in situation where was staring at this female may be in her late thirties.] phone rings and i take breath of relief , it was my friend i knew what she would say ! sigh ! 
"hey am so sorry, am running late," 
expected !! 
"as usual miss, so how much am suppose to wait?" 
not less than 20 minutes for sure ,, 
" not much yaar , you know i am just cooking and then i will just feed up the dog and will leave in few minutes" 
this was irritating ,, 
"why dont you give me proper timings , u could have called me late if u had work! ?" 
she now replies with excitement ,, 
"forgive me dear, u see am just training myself to be a nice wife and take care of family" 
that was it 
"ohh please ,,, dont start with that marriage obsession again , its so annoying okay, marriage marriage marriage why dont u just get yourself married right away" 
"Sorry dear ,, am sorry ,, "
what sense does it make apologizing anyways !!!
"Its okay ,, u just put the phone down, continue preparing yourself for marriage and i shall be waiting like an idiot for next hour for sure ,,, "
she speaks with sound that wanted to cry  "I am sorry dear. i'll make it fast"
"just put the phone down ,, and yes Go To Hell ,, ohh no ,, Go Get Married huh !!! "
hung up ,, that was it ,, she made my blood pressure rise in a span , how can be people so foolish and desperate !!! ahh , i hope i hope i just dont cry with anger , i hate when tear takes over anger !!!!!! 

"you there little girl ,, !!!! seem to hate marriages too much ? take it easy , sit " smiles and says that female who was also waiting on bus stop says breaking all the silence after that call and frustration 
"ummm ... !!!! no i am fine thanks ,, i am sorry if i was too loud"  i try to smile 
" no dont worry about that   ,,, tell me what is it that makes you hate marriages so much ? i can really make sense of it from the way you spoke ,, its none of my business but i am really curious , you are just a small girl may be in college years then what is it" 
her voice was indeed soothing , i hated talking about this but she was not talking like others who just took stand against me without even listening to me , she actually wanted to know why !!!! hmmmm let me just speak up , anyways my anger will kill me if i dont . 
" Its not that i hate it am just pretty against it" 
"and may i know , why is that little miss? " smiles she 
"ummmm its hard to explain as even i dont know clearly , its not like i dont like marriages and having person to live great life with but you know its so blown out of proportion , marriages has become compulsory ,, and its like acceptance of your status from society, you know there is no respect for each other there is just sense of doing ritual ,, duty and all for status !!! its annoying" 
may be i had spoke too much but that lady had look in her eyes , which was little surprised but not so shocking , she speaks with more calming voice now , " how old are you ? 20 - 21 ? "  head nod "20" "Hmmmmm !!!" she continues " see you are too young an i dont know how these thoughts have captured you, but i had same thinking once , but it all changes with time " she smiles ,, but this time there wasnt spark in her eyes . 
" nooo !!!! see this is what i dont want , i know i'll be getting married and living life , but that is not the life i want , i want to be single not totally alone though , want to adopt kid an earn and live , no responsibilities n all trapped in what i dont want to be " no no dont cry control on self girl you have to !!!!
" hmmmm , i was 22 and i was heartbroken" starts she with little more intensity in her voice " i had made myself so strong to never fall for love again , and develop this thinking of staying alone " 
that was quite sad " ohhh hmmm , i understand that, that is really sad ,, and closing self in shell after all this is so obvious but my thinking has no such reasons really "

she speaks now ,,with more pain ,, " hmm i know , but thing is i just want to tell you what you thinking is not wrong ,, but you know staying alone in this world is too difficult much more difficult than you have ever imagined," i wanted to respond but she was so intense i wanted to listen to her .. !!!! " i was 22 as i said and i was so keen on living alone life on my own terms, my father was finding suitable partner for me , i forced him to let me just live the way i wanted ,, no marriage he agreed ,, he felt that is all he could do as my mother was missing from my life , he wanted to do as much as he could , my dad was strong support ,, i turned 30 and i was single , people started making these talks and started torturing my father with all those emotional sayings, he was thank god man who never cared for society , it hurt me though !! and he died when i was 31 ,, wherever i go people talks nasty , the reason as they say for me not getting married is cause i have not a great character , i am slut or a bitch or even something worse than that !!! i am 45 now ,, and still fighting that am not a bitch or slut but just a woman who wants to live alone ,, it doesnt seem to work u see , it never will " 

i was stunned ,, before i could respond i saw bus approaching ,, and she stood up ,, " just know you are right ,, but its not easy ,, its just not easy ,, " she smiles ,, " have a good life and start loving it if u can marriages are bad but they give u status in society ,, byeee take care , God bless you" 

she rose up and walked in the bus ,, turned back and smiled ,, 

what was that ,,, was that really difficult ,, this is not done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are Marriages so mandatory ? more than the life of one ?? 

i wait my friend arrives we hang out ,, but question still runs in my head , really marriages are end of the life ??? really !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Sunday 1 January 2012

ღ Lost Diamond !!! ღ

why is he doing this :(


He : what r u doing here ? r u insane ? did u missed ur bus ?
She : yes i guess 
He : how stupid is that ,, common lets run to the next stop u'll catch it . 
She : Nooo i dont want to . 
He : Just shut up ,, [grabs her hand, and starts walking dragging her along ] i'll drop u on next stop , u'll meet ur group there , 
[she tries taking her hand back ,, but his grip is hard ] just walk n shut up .
She : [silent now , just walking with him ] have always been shut , haven't i ?
He : [turns back , looks at her ] now what ? just go home , and inform me when u reach .
She : i am not going home until n unless u r also heading back . 
He : [anger rush through him ] u know i am not going back , this is my home now . 
She : i came on the trip just to meet u , am not going back unless u r moving back .
He : u are not doing anything , u r just going back 
She : not without u . 
He : will u stop doing this , u r no one to me ,, u just cant command me , just go , Get lost . 
She : [with tears now ] yeah i am no one ,, simply no one ,, that is why u want me to be safe home , 
He : [real angry , grabs her hand tightly ]will u listen n ....
She : lemme complete Mr. all alone , yes i am no one to u , that is why u met me despite u were hiding from all , yes i am no one to u , thats y ur mother called me several times just to make sure if u r fine , [tears rolling down her cheek], yes i am no one to u thats why am the only person who knows where r u !!! well i was here just cause ur mom is crying from past 3 days , the moment u left she is broken [he starts shaking now ,, this is what he didnt wanted to hear something that makes him weak ] , ur dad isn't really showing that he cares or not, appearing that it doesnt matter but he asked me yesterday to beg u to come back ,, ur friends r missing u ,, m just here to get u back for Them not for me ,, cause yes i am no one to u [literally crying now]

am here to take u back 

He : am sorry ,, i dont mean that ,, [she crying crying badly ] listen please stop crying , i dont mean that , am sorry [he is also loosing now , he has tears ] 
She : Noo , let it be . i passed on the message to u, i better go now [sob] i'll leave ,, take care ,, n do think about those who matters to u . [turns away, n starts walking ,, she is weak ,, her tears r making her vision blurry ] 
He : Wait , please , i do care about them , and u too , am sorry i did not mean that , please . 
She : [Stops , doesnt turn back , slowly whispers] Byeee . please take care [keeps walking ]
He : Please Wait , dont leave me ! 
She : [turns back] u left us , we never did !!! [burst out crying ]
He : [comes Rushing towards her, hugs her ] look here , stop crying ,, am really sorry , i thought every one is selfish and doesn't want me , am sorry i shouldn't have left , am sorry dont cry please ,, u matter a lot ,, please dont cry . 
She : [controlling herself ] then ? now what ? drop me please , i need to go before i loose on my emotions . 
He : hmmm wait , let me get tissue for u . 
She : no let me go .
He : just 2 minutes please . 
She : okay ,, [unable to even speak that much ,, her throat is full of emotions ]
He : [after some 4 - 5 minutes he comes back] take this , [passes the tissue] wipe ur tears please ,, and lets go . 
She : [wipes tears ] whats that ? bag full of tissues ,, dont worry i wont cry now [sob]
He : Noo ,, u idiot , i wont let u cry anyways . lets go , m coming .
She : What , Really !! u kidding ? 
He : No , You came here just for me , i have hurt u all badly , am coming with u . 
She : ohhh so now i matter to u ! u forgot i was no one to u !! [tears , with anger ]
He : am sorry ,, i am really sorry ,, u r world to me. [holds her hand] lets go . 
She : [smiles ] i am telling u ,, lets go please , before i loose [smiles] 

after an hour in bus . 

Friend : where were u but ?? 
She : had lost my diamond. 
Friend : ohh u got it ?
She : yes [smiles ]
Friend : where is it ?
She : on its way ,, home 


Lets Go Home (: 


Its Not What It Seems !!!!!

Its not Sadness , but something deep hidden , 
Its not killing me , but making me live differently , 
Its not what i want, its something i had desired ,, 
Its not just dream,, its what my life ahead ,,
Its not just me ,, its all those living within me .. !!!